Processing while putting off studying

My study spots are the best places because there's no lingering memories of you in any of them (although you would like the one where I am this morning--they use compostable cups & utensils made from cornstarch; plus, they have delicious food and drink and it's proprietor-run).

I have an appetite again (for more than beer).

I have a list again of places to go and things to do in the city; it's just with someone who's not you and those things will probably actually happen.

In my dream last night, I sat and visited with Michelle. She didn't know any of the story, but told me that even though she left and is now married to someone else, she's never quite gotten over you.

I still am having trouble wanting to not have hope (aka: it still flickers in the recesses of my mind).

Saturn's Return

I don't typically buy into astrology... I just don't know how it jives with my spiritual worldview and it seems kind of like hocus pocus.


That being said, there are at times things I run across that do make quite a bit of sense. There are descriptions of us Scorpios that seem to peg me completely. And while the idea that the position of the planets could affect my life seems a little far-fetched, I do believe in a great big mysterious God whose works are just that--mysterious. Why wouldn't He involve the planets in our lives?


I was talking with a classmate today during our break about some of what I've been going through in the past few weeks. I mentioned some emotional turmoils, a particularly significant birthday, and a desire to have a clean slate. She said, "Well, that totally makes sense. It's what's supposed to happen. It's your Saturn Return."


Now, like I said, astrology and me.... eh, I don't know. So I did a little Googling, and it makes some sense. I can relate to this idea. Here's a sample:


The first Saturn Return marks the end of youth and the beginning of the productive adult years. It is now that you truly become an adult--not at eighteen or twenty-one. You realize your need to define yourself as an individual within society and to demonstrate what you've learned.


Saturn Return almost always requires some major adjustments in lifestyle, attitudes, and relationships. Anything you have outgrown, or have tolerated but not found satisfying, must end now or be altered to meet your emerging needs. According to Hand, "Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being."


How fitting that I celebrated this "coming of age" with a double quinceanera.

So it's my prerogative to feel all crazy and feel like the big decisions need to be made now. After all, it's my Saturn Return.

(By the way, I also believe in dreams and won't negate life on other planets. What kind of loony ass hippie Austinite have I become!?)

two days!

yeah! two days!

sad

My heart, my heart, my aching heart.
This wasn’t my intention. This hurts.

I never wanted to not be an individual. I always want to be myself.
I just also have wanted to be with you. Together, individual, with you.

Cooperation, not compromise. Why couldn’t we figure it out?
This is the saddest thing to me. Because I know you can be what I need. And I feel like I can be for you.

snowy days with Scrabble...
sitting in the sun (even having "discussions")...
laughing until we fall asleep (remember singing "Brick House"? So random and fun)...
lying in an empty cul-de-sac on quilts, watching meteors...
making spaghetti...
sharing the chair & a half...
being cozy...
talking about trips to take...
watching you at work (yes, seeing you shake hands and build connections was meaningful to me)...

I'm ok. I'm ok. I just am not happy about this.
Is it because I didn't get what I wanted? Sure.
Because I wanted you.